If you’re like me, you were raised in a dysfunctional family where you never really learned what was “realistic” in relationships. In fact, I’d go as far as to say I was raised by sitcoms, and you all know how realistic those are in showing actual relationships!
I gave up “self help” books long ago, but when my friend Meg lent me “How To Be An Adult” by David Richo, i was floored. Never have I read a book that so plainly, simply and realistically describes human relationships, and the realities of them. I’ll be posting excerpts of it here from now on, but to start, here’s a great section (abridged to the ones I resonated with most) and I bolded the ones that really hit me.
The “givens” of relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations
- Only at rare moments is the love in one partner the same as that in the other. (!!!!)
- Priorities are continually changing for each partner. The integrity of the union may not always be a priority.
- Intimate relationships survive best with constant permission for ever-changing ratios of closeness and distance.
- What creates distance in your relationship, you may be using unconsciously to GET distance.
- The best relationship includes space for you to pursue individual choices and to be compassionately attentive to any threat your partner may feel.
- No one can control or change someone else, nor is it necessary.
- No one is loyal or truthful all the time.
- No expectations are valid and not even agreements are always reliable.
- Your partner may not always be a consistent, nuturant, or a trustworthy friend to you (nor you to your partner).
- There is no one person who will make you happy, keep you fascinated, love you as your favorite parent did, or give you the love you missed from your parents.
- Most people in relationships seldom know what they really want, ask for what they really want, or show what they really feel.
- Most people avoid or fear intimacy, consistent honesty, intense feelings, and uninhibited joy.
- Beneath every serious complaint about your partner is something unowned in yourself.
- Letting go of blame and the need to be right heals a relationship most efficaciously.
- “Goodbye” is rarely said clearly; most people easy away wordlessly and avoid full confrontation.
One of my friends thought this list was “depressing.” What do you think?
Tags: realistic, relationships, truth
Personally, I'm a fan of sometimes-depressing realism over “Wait until the shoe finally drops” idealism.
People are brought up to believe that someone that gets into a relationship with you is obliged to be in your corner 100% of the time until they croak, which is what leads to inauthentic communication, lies and hidden infidelity. This is why when ONE thing occurs, you have people bailing from relationships.
The single incident is supposed to indicate that this person isn't “The One”, when, in reality, it's only an indication that they failed to maintain the lie for a split second and you caught them.
If more people interacted with each other as if each person had Free Will and was willing and able to do whatever they wanted whenever they wanted, they'd have longer-lasting relationships becuase they'd realize that whatever happened is a bump in the road, not a chasm they can't jump across.
Sounds like your philosophy is in line with what I wrote!
I like how you said things are “bump in the road” vs. a chasm though. Great analogy. Too many people see conflicts as a reason to bail vs. a chance for communication that can (ironically) make a relationship stronger.