I’ve been devouring this great ebook from this guy I found on Twitter called Scott Ginsberg. His thing is that he ALWAYS wears a nametag. I haven’t read enough on his website to find out where that came from, but he has written a killer of a book. It’s got 159 pages of stuff for you to analyze, think about, challenge yourself with. And it’s all FREE RIGHT HERE. Today, I’m thinking about Probe your darkness.

I’m not the type to write inspirational posts, but here’s my first one, so be gentle.

It was a few weeks ago that I read the post from Havi Brooks, called Exit the Middle.

She relates the middle to yoga practice, and the gist is this: in yoga (and life) there are beginners, those in the middle, and advanced. If you’re a beginner, everything is new, and still a challenge. Those advanced know what is going on, and how to create challenges for themselves, and also when to rest. More on the middle:

It’s the people who want you to challenge them instead of finding new ways to challenge themselves. Or it’s the people who want you to tone it down, instead of giving themselves permission to do less.

In business, the middle is filled with people looking outward to find out what more biggified people do, instead of inward to find out what is theirs.

Instead of innovating and making (or playing with what’s there in order to make it your own), the middle copies what already exists.

In the middle is all this wanting to be there already. It is not fun, being in the middle.

The tragic irony: no one is keeping you there.

Most people think the middle is where you are until you get good. No. The middle is where you stay until you decide to be conscious.

Staying in the middle means being cut off from your sovereignty.

In the middle, you need other people to show you what to do. You’re constantly waiting for other people to deliver. And constantly disappointed when what they give you doesn’t live up to your expectations.

Once you step out of the middle, you get to make conscious decisions about what appeals to you and what you’re willing to try.

But the tragedy of the middle is that there is nothing keeping anyone there.

Reading that really hit me.

I’m in the middle. I’ve been in the middle for YEARS.

I’m the person always trying new things, going places. I’ve now lived on both coasts and  few places in the middle. I’ve changed jobs numerous times, dated lots of people, and done zillions of hobbies. I thought it was because of the challenge, and partly, it is.

I’m in the thrill of beginner mind, where everything is a challenge. But as soon as I thought I had gotten a handle on whatever I was doing, i lost interest, and moved on to the next shiny thing.
But i think maybe I was afraid of the middle.

Afraid of making challenges for myself. Of really not knowing how.

I had been chewing this concept over for about a week, when I found myself running a 4 mile race in Central Park with a friend. I’ve been running for years, and it helped me lose 90 lbs, and I’d run a few 5K races. But I’d never really taken it seriously.

And during this race, i was doing the usual. I ran at a lackadaisical pace a bit, backed off. Walked a bit. Peed, got water. Ran at my friend’s pace. Basically, i wasn’t taking it seriously.

Then something happened at mile 2. I thought of that article. And decided I was tired of living in the middle. Of waiting for someone or something to challenge me.

I was going to do it NOW. HERE.

So I picked up the pace. It felt ok. I felt a momentarily guilt for “leaving” my friend, but I knew she was fighting to leave her own middle, and she would support me leaving mine.

I kept running at that pace. It felt GOOD. I was running at a pace faster than I thought I actually could. This worked until mile 3. I hadn’t run more than 3 miles for a few years. My little voice spoke up, “ok, you can stop now. Just walk a little! Nobody cares if you finish or not, it’s just a 4 mile.”

I told the little voice to SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

I kept running. I decided then and there that even if I had to tiny jog, i was going to run until the very end. It felt good to make that decision. But I still had to keep my word to myself. And I haven’t been very good at doing that.

I heard Jillian Michael’s voice in my head:

“THIS DOESN’T COME FOR FREE. YOU HAVE TO FIGHT FOR IT.”

I kept fighting for it. I didn’t even know how far the course end was. I kept running. And this was the amazing part: I think I ran faster that last mile than I’d done the whole race. I just kept going.

In my head I thought:

IF I CAN DO THIS, I CAN GET ANY JOB I WANT.

IF I CAN DO THIS, I CAN HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP.

IF I CAN DO THIS, I CAN DO ANYTHING.

It HURT towards the end. but I was finally KEEPING A COMMITMENT TO MYSELF!

I finally rounded the corner of the race on 72nd street. My little lazy voice was still in there, but it was literally shocked into submission.

I was GOING TO DO IT and there wasn’t a damn thing it could say.

There was cheering! Those lovely people at the race who are strangers but they cheer you anyway!

I was pumping my fists over my head in a ridiculous way but I didn’t care!

I passed the finish line at 52:04 for four miles (minus 5 minutes for a pee break!)

I thought I was going to pass out, but I got my two glasses of gatorade, and pretzels, and made my way over to a bench.

and promptly started to cry.

I was SO DAMN PROUD of myself.

It was just a race, but it was literally the first time in my life that i FOUGHT for something so hard. That I pushed myself into doing more than I thought I could do. I was so happy but at the same time sad that I’m 42 years old and this is the first time I’ve done that.

But, as they say, it’s only too late if you don’t start now.

Humans have a thirst for something. They seek that water everywhere. Always looking for a hose with a never ending supply of water to quench our thirst. The truth is, there is, and never was that hose. Nor will it ever be there. When we find a good connection, what happens? Our thirst is quenched after a while and we seek another hose that will give us the water we need. Nothing ever stays static. Life is a constant flow of change. Changing emotions, changing physical structures. Changing shapes. Changing history, the list is endless.

Suffering occurs when we try to manipulate that change to suit us. When we desire things not to change. When we desire, period. Of course, life is never going to bend to us. Things happen that are beyond our self centred needs. It may well be worth trying to become more universally centred and not so self centred. Not you, I mean everybody.To become the flow. When we are going through whatever it is we are going through we temporarily become the centre of the universe in our own deluded minds. Yet life just is.

Life just is, moment by moment. Any thoughts of the future and any thoughs of the past are just thoughts. Thats all. They are just chemical and electrical impulses in your mind based on whatever belief system you happen to operate. They are not real.

There is no magic to life.

There is no prince charming.

Life is nothing special.

Yet, it is a joy if you allow it to be.

Perhaps, instead of wallowing in whatever it is you are wallowing in, try to look at the wonder of whatever it is. Become curious about pain. Become curious at the workings of emotions. Become curious at life, people, science, the world, the planets, trees, animals, the weather system, the sun, death, change, skin colour, natural climate change the list is endless. It is all life, it all goes on outside of your window.

Life is nothing magical. It has an equal balance of pain and pleasure. It has to. Science dictates so. Things do not work with only a negative or positive.
People try to spend their whole lives avoiding pain at all costs and living in their comfort zones. Living in a comfort zone is delusionment. Living in reality will bring you a certain enlightenment and will reveal thousands of Eureka! moments. Most people are deluded and never really know themselves because they are not brave enough to face the continually empty vast space that is life. Instead they self centredly imagine things to dampen their worst fears that……….we’re all alone.

Accept this fact, and watch yourself suddenly become at ease with things. It takes time to accept and to overcome loneliness, and to see loneliness as nothing more than your thoughts. Chemical. Impulsive. Not reality.

I have said this before and I am saying this again too, but become whole and content on your own first. You can ONLY share something with somebody you so desire if ONLY you have it yourself first. For example, you can only love/know/respect somebody if you love/know/respect yourself first.
So this connection you so desire will only come once you connect with yourself, and you have not yet. Try meditation and looking at Zen philosophy, I think many answers lie in these, but they take a little while to filter through becasue of how we’re conditioned.

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I am sad that I found this somewhere on the web, took the time to copy and paste it into a post, but neglected to write down who said it. So all I can say is that it wasn’t me…

Vienna Waits For You – Billy Joel

Slow down you crazy child
You’re so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you’re so smart
Then tell me why are you still so afraid

Where’s the fire where’s the hurry about
You’d better cool it off before you burn it out
You’ve got so much to do and only so many hours in a day

But you know that when the truth is told
That you can get what you want or you can just get old
You’re gonna can kick off before you even get half way through
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down
You’re doin fine
You can’t be everything you want to be before your time
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonight

Too bad but is the life you lead
You’re so far ahead of yourself
That you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you’re wrong
You know you can’t always see when you’re right

You’ve got your passion
You’ve got your pride
Don’t you know that only fools are satisfied
Dream on but don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

Slow down you crazy child
Take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while
It’s allright you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you
You know that when the truth is told
You can get what you want or you can just get old
You can kick off before you even get halfway through
Why won’t you realize
Vienna waits for you
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you

I’ve been making treats for years, and I’ve even sold them casually through retail, but this is the first time I’ve sold them at a booth at a food market. Here are some of the things I learned from being a vendor at the Greenpoint Food Market.

Before the fair……………………………..

Plan Plan Planity Plan

I was making baked goodies for the fair, and I had to make it the night before so it was fresh, so I really couldn’t do that in advance. But you CAN do things in advance like:

• buying ingredients
• buying supplies (plates, utensils, napkins, bags, tablecloth)
• getting change

But in terms of doing the cooking/baking, plan for errors. Test any new equipment ahead of time. I did NOT do this with a new pan I got, and it turns out I need a lower oven temperature for it because it burned the bottom of my bars. I had to spend extra time salvaging the ones that were still edible AND making other items to make up for the bars that were ruined. FAIL that could have been avoided.

Make sure everything is priced

Some vendors didn’t have prices on their wares. When you put the prices out, you make it easier for the visitor to decide whether they might buy. If you don’t have a price, there’s another hurdle they have to get over. However, I found that if the sample is KICK ASS this is less of a problem.

Bring a friend

I was planning on manning the booth all by myself, but my friend Laurel showed up (I thought just for support) but she stayed with me the whole afternoon, and i was GLAD SHE DID! I didn’t realize that things like manning the sample flow and just chatting and bagging is better with two people. Plus, if things get slow, there is someone to talk to!

Don’t forget the extras

You need to bring more than just your food. Don’t forget:

• a tablecloth
• a dish to put the samples on
• bags to put product in to take away
• napkins (both for cleanliness and for food consumed right away)
• utensils if needed
• knife (for cutting samples if you’re doing it onsite)
• paper towels for yourself (they never have enough onsite)
• tape for hanging signs or various things

Bring enough change

I had foreseen this issue, so I brought with me $100 in change (I did however, bring too many quarters – $30 in quarters was entirely too much!) Bring many ones, and a bunch of fives. Better to have too much than too little, and you don’t want to lose sales if you have to tell someone, “Sorry I don’t have change for a twenty!” (because EVERYONE wants to pay with a $20!) But keep your money bucket out of range of people as they pass by! I was nervous someone would swipe it!

If you are a legitimate business, have a business card with your website on it

Especially when it comes to food, people like to gab about some new food they found. If that new food is you, make it easy for them to do that! Have a business card with your contact/website info on it, people can a) tell their friends about you and b)tweet/blog/Facebook about you when they get home! Make it easy for them to do that!

At the fair………………………………………………………

Have a gimmick to get people to come over

My gimmick at the booth was frosting shots. I had big pastry bags of frosting, and then we had doled out some pretty little sample cups of frosting for 50 cents! (a bargain!)

Stand – don’t sit at the booth if at all possible

Laurel and I stood almost for the entire time of the fair, because we didn’t HAVE chairs. Towards the end, we noticed some free ones, but I soon realized I didn’t like the position it put me in, lower than the buyer’s eye level. It’s easier to engage someone if you are at the same level.

On that note, price realistically, but not foolishly

If possible, visit that particular fair in advance to find out what the other vendors are charging for similar items. You don’t want to be charging $3 for cookies when others are only charging $2. However, if you are using more premium ingredients, your prices shold reflect that (also so you can make a profit). There’s nothing worse than taking money for an item, and kicking yourself when you know you should have charged more.

Greet the booth visitors!

I’ll admit, as a booth visitor I even get nervous roaming over the tables, sometimes hoping the booth babe won’t make eye contact with me JUST YET. But if you say something funny, it breaks the ice. I have food at my booth, so I like to say, (in a slight whisper), “You know, samples don’t have any calories!” It’s a new joke to every visitor but I’m sure Laurel got sick of it after the 100th time! No matter, I shut her up with some cookies!

Also, don’t be afraid to flirt with your visitors. Play a game with them. For a while when guys would come over and view the frosting, I’d say, “are you MAN ENOUGH to try a frosting shot?” Interestingly, more women were man enough than men.

Accept that you might not know what the heck will sell

Maybe you thought for SURE an item would be a hit, and no one is buying it. What went wrong? It might be the flavor of the market. It might be a season thing (my friend gave me some homemade coconut macaroons to sell, and we only sold a few.) I thought they were delicious, but they didn’t sell well. Laurel told me “not many people like coconut.” All my other items were chocolate-based, and chocolate is an easier sell. That’s not to say niche items wouldn’t sell. But it’s all a crapshoot.

About the frosting shots. I was SURE I had a hit on my hands. And in a way, I did. I had tons of people taking PICTURES of the “frosting shot” setup. But few bought frosting. The ones that did were PSYCHED that frosting shots existed, however. More men bought frosting than I would have expected.

Things ARE going to go wrong. Go with it.

Accidents happen. My biggest chocolate frosting bag exploded when I tried to dole out samples. I forgot to get napkins so I gave away more bags than I needed to. When the frosting exploded it ruined one of my signs. All i could say was OH WELL and just have fun with it!

Towards close of the fair, slash your prices!

No one wants to drag the unbought goodies home, and  a little money is better than none. For the last half hour of the show, offer half price, or just “massive discounts” to your prices. Do a two for one!

Also at the end of the day, see if you can do a trade with other vendors!

This is a benefit I didn’t plan on! One of the other vendors came over and wondered if they could trade with ME. WHAT AN IDEA! By the end of the day I had gotten some homemade soda, wasabe pate from Cobra pate, and Bacon Marmalade.

If you’re like me, you were raised in a dysfunctional family where you never really learned what was “realistic” in relationships. In fact, I’d go as far as to say I was raised by sitcoms, and you all know how realistic those are in showing actual relationships!

I gave up “self help” books long ago, but when my friend Meg lent me “How To Be An Adult” by David Richo, i was floored. Never have I read a book that so plainly, simply and realistically describes human relationships, and the realities of them. I’ll be posting excerpts of it here from now on, but to start, here’s a great section (abridged to the ones I resonated with most) and I bolded the ones that really hit me.

The “givens” of relationships: Antidotes to Unrealistic Expectations

• Only at rare moments is the love in one partner the same as that in the other. (!!!!)
• Priorities are continually changing for each partner. The integrity of the union may not always be a priority.
• Intimate relationships survive best with constant permission for ever-changing ratios of closeness and distance.
• What creates distance in your relationship, you may be using unconsciously to GET distance.
• The best relationship includes space for you to pursue individual choices and to be compassionately attentive to any threat your partner may feel.
• No one can control or change someone else, nor is it necessary.
• No one is loyal or truthful all the time.
• No expectations are valid and not even agreements are always reliable.
• Your partner may not always be a consistent, nuturant, or a trustworthy friend to you (nor you to your partner).
• There is no one person who will make you happy, keep you fascinated, love you as your favorite parent did, or give you the love you missed from your parents.
• Most people in relationships seldom know what they really want, ask for what they really want, or show what they really feel.
• Most people avoid or fear intimacy, consistent honesty, intense feelings, and uninhibited joy.
• Beneath every serious complaint about your partner is something unowned in yourself.
• Letting go of blame and the need to be right heals a relationship most efficaciously.
• “Goodbye” is rarely said clearly; most people easy away wordlessly and avoid full confrontation.

One of my friends thought this list was “depressing.” What do you think?

Negotiation.

It’s a word that you normally don’t equate with happiness. You might think of it when you think of a business deal, or peace treaties. But over the last year I’ve realized it’s the core of all relationships, and the core of my unhappiness with myself. And I have freelancing to thank.

With freelancing, everything is a negotiation.

• Negotiating your price on a contract
• Negotiating the contract itself – what is included
• Negotiating with clients during the project itself
• What happens AFTER the project is done, maintenance.

During all this is ongoing client negotiations. Unlike a “regular” job, you don’t have the luxury of history and trust,  you and your clients are unknown to each other. Gentle negotiation is necessary to have a good working relationship.

If you have multiple clients (which is a necessity to be a successful freelancer), you must multiply all this by 100. You are ALWAYS negotiating. And if you don’t  know how to state what you are worth (your fee) and what you will put up with (if client gets unruly and makes unreasonable demands) you are not going to be successful. This past year has been hard for me. It’s the first year I’ve done freelance fulltime. I’ve learned some very practical lessons about being a freelancer that only come with experience. Most are along the lines of all the old adages, like “don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched” and “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” and “sometimes clients go psycho” – oh sorry that’s mine. But it’s the interpersonal lessons that have made the most impact and made me realize I AM A HORRIBLE NEGOTIATOR.

What happens in freelancing though rarely happens in relationships. When you meet a client for the first time, they ask you right out, “how much will you charge to do X?” You have to do a calculation of your worth, the time spent and how much of a pain you think the job will be.

*Freelance tip: apparently it’s perfectly acceptable to add on a PITA fee (pain in the ass) if you think the contract is going to be unpleasant.

Of course, you can ask for whatever you want, and the client is free to agree or refuse. But hopefully, you will NEGOTIATE a price acceptable to you both. My problem is I undervalued my worth. So I would do the project at a price that wasn’t acceptable to me (even though I was the one who came up with it!) I didn’t even give the person a chance to negotiate. So I did the project, feeling resentful, and the client might have felt they got too good a deal, and then wouldn’t respect me. Which brings me to my epiphany.

I realized that the reason I was having trouble in freelancing was the same thing that caused me trouble in relationships – instead of knowing my worth, and negotiating when I’d encounter behavior that would challenge that worth, I undervalued myself and put up with what I was given. Or when I encountered trouble in a relationship, I thought it meant the relationship was BAD and I left. For a while I entered into relationships that I knew wouldn’t give me any trouble – what I call my BORING period.   What I didn’t know was:

That there are going to be issues in all relationships, and it doesn’t make a relationship BAD and worth leaving.

After a while (I can see now) I just started picking people (and jobs)  that I knew wouldn’t give me any trouble, people and jobs that I knew were beneath me in terms of the challenges they’d give me in personal growth. While it allowed me to live without needing negotiation, it didn’t allow me to LIVE.

It didn’t let me realize something else:

When two people encounter a problem, and negotiate a solution, it makes the relationship STRONGER.

When I would run from a problem in a relationship, it meant that the relationship couldn’t progress any further. If I was in a relationship with no conflict, it may have been easy, but it could never be deep. Same with jobs. Jobs without conflict are either ridiculously short, or ridiculously boring.

It makes me really sad to think of all the time I have wasted settling for boring friendships, relationships and boring jobs because I was afraid of negotiating for what I wanted, afraid of a challenge.

But it’s only too late if I don’t start NOW.

Freelancing has made me a better negotiator in business, but now it’s time to do it in the rest of my life. And I’m READY.

*whew* I have to say that writing this post scares the hell out of me. Being from the midwestern school of “suck it up” and “nobody has any problems” this is pretty scary.

I would LOVE to hear your stories of your experience with negotiation.

My friend Betsy and I were talking today about what makes us feel special in a relationship. I shared that I like surprises and she said that was like “Swahili” to her. So I asked her what DOES make her feel special, and she shared this.

What makes me feel special? When a guy asks me out, and no one else. When he’s attentive, affectionate, happy to see me, clearly interested in me in a room full of other people. When I see the delight on his face when I walk in a room. When he shows me off to others by bringing me around people he cares about. When he makes a special effort to be with me when it’s not his only option. When we laugh our asses off together, and I can see his absolute delight & surprise at what came out of my mouth, and when he clearly says things for no reason other than he’s knows that I’ll be amused. When he tells me something for no other reason than that he wants me to know him and understand him better. When he’s so turned on by how much he turns me on. When we’re absolutely, clearly on each other’s side, and we feel that we’re meant to be together, and what we are together is so much greater than before we were together.

She’s married to a fantastic guy, so I’m so happy for her that she got all this!

My friend Paula Brett said I should look up my name on Urban Dictionary for a pick-me-up, and she was right. it’s so awesome.

__________________________________

Charlene

A person that is absolutely magnificent in every aspect a human being can be. Someone that is an excellent friend and a fantastic lover. Someone that is trustworthy and honest. Attractive and absolutely gorgeous. Charlene is a person that is unselfish and understanding. Someone that may get lost in the darkness, but once in the light can make a person grin until their cheeks ache. Charlene is someone that has the ability to soothe and calm a person in distress. Someone that deserves everything she desires without second thoughts. She deserves the best of the best and nothing less.

Charlene is a unique name for an incredibly special person. Someone that cannot be found anywhere else and no one can mimic.

Charlene is the one and only.

I was watching the movie “Sideways” tonight and although it’s pretty much a depressing portrait of a depressed wine-loving author and his ego-maniacal eternally horny-about-to-be-married friend, there were a few poignant bits of dialogue. Like this interchange between Miles, the wine lover, and the object of his affections, Maya, a woman he knows from his wine-stops.

___________

Maya: Why are you so into Pinot? I mean, it’s a thing with you.

Miles: “I don’t know. Um…it’s a hard grape to grow, as you know, right? It’s thin-skinned, termperamental, ripens early. It’s not a survivor, like cabernet, which can just grow anywhere, and thrive even if it’s neglected. Nah, pinot needs constant care and attention. You know, and in fact it can only grow in these really specific and tucked away corners of the world.

And only the most patient…and…nuturing of growers can do it, really. Only when someone really takes the time to understand pinot’s potential, can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean…

Oh its flavors, they’re the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle, and ancient…on the planet.”

(more talking, then Miles asks Maya why she loves wine)

Maya: “I like to think about the life of wine. How it’s a living thing. I like to think about…what was going on the year the grapes were growing. How the sun was shining…if it rained. I like to think about…all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it’s an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve.  Like if I opened a bottle of wine today,  it’s would taste different than if I’d opened it on any other day. Because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is until it peaks, like your ‘61.

Then it begins its steady, inevitable decline.

And it tastes so. fucking. good.”

___________________

When I lived in California the man I was with was both a foodie and a wine-lover. While he definitely opened my palate to food, he was less successful with wine. I don’t know if my palate just wasn’t suited for it, or I had too many bad Catholic school connotations with it. For whatever reason, the only wines I came away liking were “easy.”Gewürztraminer (sweet white wine), and the jugular, dirty ports. But the following exchange makes me want to try again.