It’s a word that you normally don’t equate with happiness. You might think of it when you think of a business deal, or peace treaties. But over the last year I’ve realized it’s the core of all relationships, and the core of my unhappiness with myself. And I have freelancing to thank.

With freelancing, everything is a negotiation.

• Negotiating your price on a contract
• Negotiating the contract itself – what is included
• Negotiating with clients during the project itself
• What happens AFTER the project is done, maintenance.

During all this is ongoing client negotiations. Unlike a “regular” job, you don’t have the luxury of history and trust,  you and your clients are unknown to each other. Gentle negotiation is necessary to have a good working relationship.

If you have multiple clients (which is a necessity to be a successful freelancer), you must multiply all this by 100. You are ALWAYS negotiating. And if you don’t  know how to state what you are worth (your fee) and what you will put up with (if client gets unruly and makes unreasonable demands) you are not going to be successful. This past year has been hard for me. It’s the first year I’ve done freelance fulltime. I’ve learned some very practical lessons about being a freelancer that only come with experience. Most are along the lines of all the old adages, like “don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched” and “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” and “sometimes clients go psycho” – oh sorry that’s mine. But it’s the interpersonal lessons that have made the most impact and made me realize I AM A HORRIBLE NEGOTIATOR.

What happens in freelancing though rarely happens in relationships. When you meet a client for the first time, they ask you right out, “how much will you charge to do X?” You have to do a calculation of your worth, the time spent and how much of a pain you think the job will be.

*Freelance tip: apparently it’s perfectly acceptable to add on a PITA fee (pain in the ass) if you think the contract is going to be unpleasant.

Of course, you can ask for whatever you want, and the client is free to agree or refuse. But hopefully, you will NEGOTIATE a price acceptable to you both. My problem is I undervalued my worth. So I would do the project at a price that wasn’t acceptable to me (even though I was the one who came up with it!) I didn’t even give the person a chance to negotiate. So I did the project, feeling resentful, and the client might have felt they got too good a deal, and then wouldn’t respect me. Which brings me to my epiphany.

I realized that the reason I was having trouble in freelancing was the same thing that caused me trouble in relationships – instead of knowing my worth, and negotiating when I’d encounter behavior that would challenge that worth, I undervalued myself and put up with what I was given. Or when I encountered trouble in a relationship, I thought it meant the relationship was BAD and I left. For a while I entered into relationships that I knew wouldn’t give me any trouble – what I call my BORING period.   What I didn’t know was:

That there are going to be issues in all relationships, and it doesn’t make a relationship BAD and worth leaving.

After a while (I can see now) I just started picking people (and jobs)  that I knew wouldn’t give me any trouble, people and jobs that I knew were beneath me in terms of the challenges they’d give me in personal growth. While it allowed me to live without needing negotiation, it didn’t allow me to LIVE.

It didn’t let me realize something else:

When two people encounter a problem, and negotiate a solution, it makes the relationship STRONGER.

When I would run from a problem in a relationship, it meant that the relationship couldn’t progress any further. If I was in a relationship with no conflict, it may have been easy, but it could never be deep. Same with jobs. Jobs without conflict are either ridiculously short, or ridiculously boring.

It makes me really sad to think of all the time I have wasted settling for boring friendships, relationships and boring jobs because I was afraid of negotiating for what I wanted, afraid of a challenge.

But it’s only too late if I don’t start NOW.

Freelancing has made me a better negotiator in business, but now it’s time to do it in the rest of my life. And I’m READY.

*whew* I have to say that writing this post scares the hell out of me. Being from the midwestern school of “suck it up” and “nobody has any problems” this is pretty scary.

I would LOVE to hear your stories of your experience with negotiation.

What makes me feel special? When a guy asks me out, and no one else. When he’s attentive, affectionate, happy to see me, clearly interested in me in a room full of other people. When I see the delight on his face when I walk in a room. When he shows me off to others by bringing me around people he cares about. When he makes a special effort to be with me when it’s not his only option. When we laugh our asses off together, and I can see his absolute delight & surprise at what came out of my mouth, and when he clearly says things for no reason other than he’s knows that I’ll be amused. When he tells me something for no other reason than that he wants me to know him and understand him better. When he’s so turned on by how much he turns me on. When we’re absolutely, clearly on each other’s side, and we feel that we’re meant to be together, and what we are together is so much greater than before we were together.

She’s married to a fantastic guy, so I’m so happy for her that she got all this!

Oh, and the soundtrack is magical – it’s original music by the band Human.

Oh, and while you can watch and enjoy it here, it’s best experienced on the site, where you can see it in HD, and full screen.

The Sandpit from Sam O’Hare on Vimeo.

A day in the life of New York City, in miniature.

Original Music: composed by Human, co-written by Rosi Golan and Alex Wong.

Please view in HD and full screen for best effect. For a description of the shoot, camera, lenses and workflow, please see here: http://bit.ly/aFmaPZ

*squee* Meet Brownie 2.

You can meet his friends over at Bennett Robot Works.

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Charlene

A person that is absolutely magnificent in every aspect a human being can be. Someone that is an excellent friend and a fantastic lover. Someone that is trustworthy and honest. Attractive and absolutely gorgeous. Charlene is a person that is unselfish and understanding. Someone that may get lost in the darkness, but once in the light can make a person grin until their cheeks ache. Charlene is someone that has the ability to soothe and calm a person in distress. Someone that deserves everything she desires without second thoughts. She deserves the best of the best and nothing less.

Charlene is a unique name for an incredibly special person. Someone that cannot be found anywhere else and no one can mimic.

Charlene is the one and only.

I sent it to my awesome designer friend Bill Bright and he gave me this super-elegant solution! Of course it only works if your email, website and twitter name use the same word!

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Maya: Why are you so into Pinot? I mean, it’s a thing with you.

Miles: “I don’t know. Um…it’s a hard grape to grow, as you know, right? It’s thin-skinned, termperamental, ripens early. It’s not a survivor, like cabernet, which can just grow anywhere, and thrive even if it’s neglected. Nah, pinot needs constant care and attention. You know, and in fact it can only grow in these really specific and tucked away corners of the world.

And only the most patient…and…nuturing of growers can do it, really. Only when someone really takes the time to understand pinot’s potential, can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean…

Oh its flavors, they’re the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle, and ancient…on the planet.”

(more talking, then Miles asks Maya why she loves wine)

Maya: “I like to think about the life of wine. How it’s a living thing. I like to think about…what was going on the year the grapes were growing. How the sun was shining…if it rained. I like to think about…all the people who tended and picked the grapes. And if it’s an old wine, how many of them must be dead by now. I like how wine continues to evolve.  Like if I opened a bottle of wine today,  it’s would taste different than if I’d opened it on any other day. Because a bottle of wine is actually alive. And it’s constantly evolving and gaining complexity. That is until it peaks, like your ‘61.

Then it begins its steady, inevitable decline.

And it tastes so. fucking. good.”

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When I lived in California the man I was with was both a foodie and a wine-lover. While he definitely opened my palate to food, he was less successful with wine. I don’t know if my palate just wasn’t suited for it, or I had too many bad Catholic school connotations with it. For whatever reason, the only wines I came away liking were “easy.”Gewürztraminer (sweet white wine), and the jugular, dirty ports. But the following exchange makes me want to try again.

People in New York are notoriously vague about making plans (a friend of mine generously says “it’s because people are just lazy, Charlene”). When I’ve followed up with people in New York, more than once people have told me they were “impressed” that I’d followed up and made the effort, so I guess it’s true. But regardless, when anything is thrown out like that, it gets put up into my head as an “outstanding task.” i dont’ like having outstanding tasks, so I like to get something put on the calendar so I can download it from my brain. But when too many vague invitations are hanging around in my brain it gets crowded and crazy, like it is now.

But I take it personally. If someone is vague about hanging out, i assume they don’t like me. But I’m sure I’m being naive.

People are busy. And they ARE lazy. I’m lazy.  But I’ve spent a good chunk of my life living up in my head and not taking the time to involve other people. Now that I am, it’s disappointing to realize that getting two people’s universe’s to align to hang out together isn’t a simple thing.

So I was sitting and a family with kids came over and wanted to pet Clementine. A girl of maybe four calmly approached Clemmie, and petted her nicely. She looked over to me, and just as calmly came over to me, and started petting me! She stood right next to me, and started playing with my earrings. Her parents started to tell her NO but I shook me head and mouthed “it’s ok.” Soon she was playing with my hair, and just viewing me so intently. She was so curious, so unafraid, so pure, and in that moment, I loved her. I would have hugged and her she would have hugged me back but I’m sure her parents would have thought it weird, but she and I wouldn’t have. Why can’t we as adults have such innocence and trust between us?

I hope her parents treasure her.
Had the opposite thing happen later that day, I was trying to take the elevator downstairs to walk Clemmie, and some kids were filling it up with some bags, and their two dogs in carriers (obviously going on a trip). I tried asking them questions about their dogs, but they didn’t’ want to answer me (Clemmie was hurt that they didn’t even try to pet her!) I saw why just a few minutes later, their mom comes racing down the hall and tells them to “take the bags out of the elevator!!” I offered to help them unload downstairs, but she just ignored my offer (and me). Such a contrast between parents who teach their kids (whether by word or example) that people are nice and parents that teach their kids not to interact with strangers.